Thursday, September 8, 2011

Truths

I started this post at the beginning of the week.  I was going to relay a story to you about how my son was taught a lesson about poverty.  And how after he processed what I told him he apologized for being a jerk.  But then life happened and between the three kids there were all sorts of lessons that were just as meaningful.  I started thinking about all of the interactions.  Sometimes I wasn't the worlds best mom, and sometimes, they weren't the worlds best kids.  But none of us pretended to be anything other then who we were at that particular moment.  Our feelings, our reactions, our emotions - were real.  And I think, maybe, out of every little lesson, this might be the biggest lesson I want my kids to learn.  Authenticity.

We all wear masks.  We pretend to be people we aren't. We change our dress, our demeanor, our vocabulary, our feelings, our emotions, and sometimes even our beliefs depending on who we are around.  It's ok to admit that you do.  I think it's part of being human and the need to fit in, to not be uncomfortable, to not be the weak link, to not admit to being different.  I watch my kids struggle with it every day.  I can preach about being yourself all I want to them, but what they learn, from a very early age, is that being yourself isn't what other people want.  They change what they like to play with based on whose attention they want.  And it's really hard when I see one of my kids trying so hard to please and change to meet the expectations of someone else, only to be ignored or looked down on. .  It's heartbreaking, those moments when you realize that neither the person you are, or who others want you to be, are good enough for some people.  When all you want to do is feel like you belong, but everywhere you look it feels like you don't.

I am going to tell you some truths about me.  I'm going to lay it out there clear as day because I've realized that people read things about me, hear things about me, and even talk to me, but that doesn't mean they know me.  That doesn't mean everyone needs to know me.  Some of my closest friends don't know my deepest darkest secrets, and that's ok.  But if I want to be a true teacher to my children, then I need to be willing to throw off my own masks and be authentic.  And maybe by doing so, some of you that feel like you are alone, like no one understands where you are at or how tough it is, or like no one is like you, will realize that there may be someone else who gets it.  And if you feel brave enough, share in the comments some truths about you.  Throw off the masks.  Be yourself.  And realize that the person you are, the one you hide, is amazing and someone I'd like to get to know.

Some truths about me:

  • I can't stand the sound of people eating.  I hate it.  It drives me up the wall. There are times I have contemplated hitting people.
  • I struggle with negative thought patterns, for example, even if everyone tells me I am doing a great job, I am sure they are lying to me.
  • I am afraid of failure.  Like really afraid.  Sometimes I will do something right up to the final step and then not finish because I don't want to fail.
  • Every single time I discipline my kids I have to take about 5 minutes in my head to decide if I made good choices or not.
  • If I am going on a trip, I have to start packing my suitcase weeks in advance, and then I check it several times.  And if I have tickets or important papers, I have a habit of checking to make sure they didn't grow legs and walk away.  As in, I look in my wallet at least 5 times on the way to the airport.
  • I can't parallel park.  At all.  
  • I don't like dark chocolate, or coconut.
  • I have a huge base of knowledge, I know a lot about a lot.  I love learning.  But sometimes I don't admit to knowing something because I am afraid I will sound like a know it all.
  • Every time I speak in public I sweat, and my insides shake.
  • I sometimes daydream about not having kids, and I sometimes get jealous of my friends who don't have kids yet, or only have one.  And if I ever say that publicly I automatically feel compelled to add how much I love my children.
  • I love Jesus.  And because I love Jesus, I love others where they are at.  I don't like it when people use Jesus as an excuse for not being friends with people.
  • I am constantly writing books in my head.  I just never write them down.
  • I live in pain daily.  I struggle with severe fatigue daily.  But I will never admit to someone how bad any particular day.
  • I can't stand it when other people try to limit me based on what they think I can handle.
  • When I make people laugh, I'm not always sure what it is that made them laugh.
  • I will fight to my death to stop abuse wherever I see it.  
  • Sometimes I go to the SPCA just to look.  If it were up to me, I'd have a house full of animals.
  • My dream has always been to open a group home for mentally challenged individuals, or a safe haven for children and if I had enough money I'd buy the property off of Ferry and do just that.
  • My greatest desire is to be loved, but my definition of love doesn't always coincide with the girly definitions of love.
Now, what are some truths about you?





6 comments:

~B. said...

Well done. I was still mulling over your last post today, and then you had to go and throw this one at me, too!
- I am obsessive about how the toilet paper roll should hang. I have changed it to suit my idea of what's right, in other people's houses. It felt like I was doing them a favor.
- I (after reading your last post, I can put this feeling into words, so thank you for that) feel like I've lost myself, and don't even know where to begin looking for who I was. I do know that I am not content to be stuck in my house, day in and day out, being everyone's thing that they need, feeling my mind rotting away from disuse.
- I learn new things all the time, but my attention span is so short that as soon as I've learned something, I'm bored with it and want to learn something else. Also, when I'm learning something, it's got to be fast, or I get bored and stop learning it.
- I have a phobia of geckos. I know. Dumb, but I can't help it, and it's literally the only creature on this earth that can terrify me and turn me into a screaming, shaking mess.
- I am highly irritated by whining. I'm not just talking about my kids, here. Whining in general.
- I can't stand it when people read into what I say. I speak what I feel, and that's all, and when someone questions it, or my motives behind it, I'm hurt.
- I have serious abandonment issues. If someone leaves before I'm ready for them to go, if someone hangs up before I'm ready to be finished talking, if someone doesn't respond to a message or email from me, etc, I think that they hate me, or that they think I am unimportant, and I go around and around in my head over it for days.
- I'm afraid of my husband dying. It's my biggest fear.
- I despise it when people say "you're so cute" to me. Being cute gets you hurt. I don't want to be cute, ever.
- I don't eat enough, and I don't drink enough water. I'm working on it.
- I adore therapy. I'm addicted to going, and it feels like a small vacation when I do go.
- I love my kids, but I get tired of being around them. I do not love other people's kids.

Um, I'm just going to stop now, because I could go on all night long doing this! =)

Rachel said...

* If you are truly a misophone, then you get it from me. I have had to work on myself, changing my thought patterns, for many years. I first realized this when I was a teenager. I have a severe case but I cover it up so others don't think I'm weird or so I don't make people feel bad.
* I LOVE dark chocolate and don't care for anything that is too sweet.
* I can't stand prejudice in any form and find it very difficult to keep quiet when I see it.
* I am tired. I wish I could retire but worry that I might lose my identity if I do.
* I'm very good at what I do and take a lot of pride in what I have been able to accomplish in my life and in my career.
* I really don't like to be around people on my off-time. When I'm forced to socialize, I have a great time, but I try to find a lot of excuses not to socialize if I don't have to.
* My husband is truly the best thing that ever happened to me, second only to my children and my relationship with God. I hope everyone I care about sees what a wonderful human being he is.
* I like to sing and wish I had a voice that matched my love for music. I know I will have that voice in heaven one day.
* I cannot stand complainers. If you are going to complain about it, then get out of my way and just let me do it myself.
* The older I get, the less I care about stupid stuff.
* I can be really silly sometimes and enjoy being around people that are okay with that and can find humor in themselves.
* I totally and completely love my grandchildren -- no reservations --unconditionally. I hope they are okay that I am not the conventional grandmother.
* I have two of the most amazing children any mother could ask for. I am so proud of them.

~B. said...

Yeah, I'm back for more.
- I go around telling people that I love them, and mostly I really do, at least in the moment, but the reason I tell them I love them is for the possibility of feeling loved in return. That's usually a disappointment, obviously.
- Whenever I go to the grocery store, or most other public places, I have terrible anxiety, which then becomes the idea that everyone is looking at me and thinking bad things about me. EVERY time.
- I know the difference between what's real and what I imagine to be real, but knowing the difference doesn't get me to be rational most times.
- I love music, and am starving for new stuff to listen to, all the time. (Again with the easily bored?)
- I love books, LOVE them. I devour books. I always get sad when the end is coming up and I know that I'll finish a book sooner than I'm ready to finish it.
- I smoke cigarettes. I'm not going to quit any time soon. Several reasons: I like smoking. I've tried to quit many different ways, but never succeeded for very long. To my credit, I did quit while pregnant with all the babies, and I don't smoke in the house, ever. Blar, blar. Defensive? Me?
- I hate judgmental people, but I am really judgmental myself a lot of times. And then I hate myself, too.
- I used to cut myself to feel better about things. I still want to, often. Something holds me back now. (I'm blaming my kids.)
- I used to go to church, but not anymore. And I'm not ashamed to admit that, either. My reasons for staying away are many and good.
- I feel two ways about my husband, and they are both very strongly felt. I hate him, and want to strangle him or at least beat him, most days. I also admire him, and the way he is with our kids, and the way his mind works. I might love him.

lisad33611 said...

Some of these may contradict each other. I know it and apologize up front.

My Truths:
-I'm afraid My Truths will be insignificant compared to everyone else's Truths.
-I'm 33 years old and have no idea who I really am (inside). There's the me I have always shown the world, but have been uncomfortable with. There's the me I want to be, but I never take steps to become that person because I don't want to be judged by anyone for my choices or actions.
-I feel like an utter failure in every aspect of my life. I'm a crap stay-at-home mom. My house is a wreck. Most days the dinner dishes stay in the sink overnight (but do get washed by lunch the following day). I'm never on top of the laundry. My kids never get to go anywhere or do anything. They don't even go outside play in the yard (thanks to years and years of issues with my oldest's bio-father I didn't let her go out to play alone. Now she WON'T go out and play alone). I leave my toddlers TV shows on from the time she wakes up until she goes to sleep. My 5th grader has a TV, laptop, Nintendo DS and a cell phone in her room and if she comes out to tell me something I usually yell at her or I don't take the time to really listen, which I HATE about myself and don't totally understand why I do it.
-I pass out frequently. I'm like a friggin fainting goat. It's embarrassing and I hate it. I don't like the attention.
-Seeing people fight scares me. A lot. Not just physical fights, but verbal altercations as well. It makes my stomach sick and the blood rushes from my head and I feel like I'm going to pass out.
-I can talk to people all day long, but can't speak in front of even a small group of co-workers or friends. I flunked my Public Speaking Final in college because I refused to speak publicly (got a B average in the class though, so it's all good). I once got reprimanded at work because I refused to speak during a meeting. I get nervous and pass out.
-I love my kids, but sometimes feel like they hold me back from the things I want to do.
-I love my husband, but sometimes feel like he holds me back from the things I want to do.
-I want to change so many things in my life, but I never take the steps to take to make the changes. (Maybe I am also afraid of failure? I have never thought about it quite like that before.)
-I suffered from an eating disorder in my teens and early twenties and still struggle with it everyday. I slip up now and again, but don't feel bad about it when I do. It's the one thing I feel like I have complete control over in my life (yea, I know that's not really how it works).
-I don't look at anyone in the eyes (except my children). It makes me uncomfortable.
-I don't like when people make me change the way I do things. Eventually I come around, but I always feel like I hold a grudge against the person that made me make the change.
-I am very intelligent, but never let that show. I was embarassed to be labeled "gifted" as a child and did everything I could to hide my intellect from my peers. To fit in, I made some bad decisions and have spent my life regretting them.
-I was in therapy for 21 years and never got any resolutions to any of my problems. I finally decided that these are My Truths and this is who I am.

FaithHopeLove said...

Hmmm... so you are not just prompting us to read & to think, but to respond. Its late & I'm tired, but your comments have stirred pieces of me that won't quiet easy unless I write them out... don't know if its being "brave" enough to comment or that I feel "put to a challenge". "Transparency = Authenticity" & I know I read that somewhere recently.

So there starts my first Truth:
- I read. I read to my own fault... how many books of interest can one person read at once? & yes, that's me reading at the red lights getting honked at...
- Belonging. Thats the root of my own "identity crisis" that crashed around me a few years back... & in despair & depression, I cried out "God, I don't belong" ... ready to walk out into nothing might be better than what was? In that a whispered response... "You Belong to Me"... day by day, step by step, lavish, amazing!
- Truth is I often still feel like I don't belong, but diff. that its this crazy world around me, not my own belonging. Not conforming is not belonging.
- I don't like feeling compared to others, To some I won't ever measure up. Just try to be the me that only He meant me to be.
- I think often I'm too serious... need to laugh & chillax more! Sit down. I need to stop doing & notice the people, the hearts.
- I want to know Mary, I met her twice briefly... I think she lives is a wooded area close to the post office. What does she need?
- Can't stand gossipy stuff, did you see this, did you hear that, blah blah blah about others...
- Note to self, don't ever serve that dark chocolate coconut pecan pie recipe to Amanda.
- Haven't had a drink in over a year & a half. First assumption on the look others face, "Whaddya mean you don't drink?" (maybe she has a drinking problem)... HA! how to explain, no - but God told me He has better plans, can't use that in my life anymore.
- I think this is FUN to write, writing is something love to journal. - Just Decided, I need to designate a "writing day" into my quiet time somehow, not in pen, in typing on the faith blog I created over a year ago.
- Secret. I don't want to work. life is a square grey cube can be so draining & unfulfilling. I dream of the day when I can quit.
- When the day comes I don't work... take that training for AWP that I keep putting off... get involved. Volunteer, help some others heal & rebuild. 1 in 4 girls will be abused as teens. I hate that with a passion. Been there, done that.
- Dream would be to have more kids, at least a boy.
-Would like to travel to my family on missions in 3rd-world country, missions, meet Yuri.
- When I'm tired, I can have a really snappy & negative reaction & short fuse, working on that...
- Stuggle with balancing sleep, Jealous of those consistent early-to-bed/early to rise.
- Clutter, ugh, esp. kid-clutter - how to banish from home?
- I can't seem to get the laundry INTO the dressers - why?

Well, this is most definitely an unfinished & incomplete list & it feels good that way!! G-Nite!

Prymal said...

My truths
-I am an asshole
-I pride myself on being an asshole
-I am lazy
-I pride myself on being lazy
-If I wasn't lazy this would have been posted days ago...