We all wear masks. We pretend to be people we aren't. We change our dress, our demeanor, our vocabulary, our feelings, our emotions, and sometimes even our beliefs depending on who we are around. It's ok to admit that you do. I think it's part of being human and the need to fit in, to not be uncomfortable, to not be the weak link, to not admit to being different. I watch my kids struggle with it every day. I can preach about being yourself all I want to them, but what they learn, from a very early age, is that being yourself isn't what other people want. They change what they like to play with based on whose attention they want. And it's really hard when I see one of my kids trying so hard to please and change to meet the expectations of someone else, only to be ignored or looked down on. . It's heartbreaking, those moments when you realize that neither the person you are, or who others want you to be, are good enough for some people. When all you want to do is feel like you belong, but everywhere you look it feels like you don't.
I am going to tell you some truths about me. I'm going to lay it out there clear as day because I've realized that people read things about me, hear things about me, and even talk to me, but that doesn't mean they know me. That doesn't mean everyone needs to know me. Some of my closest friends don't know my deepest darkest secrets, and that's ok. But if I want to be a true teacher to my children, then I need to be willing to throw off my own masks and be authentic. And maybe by doing so, some of you that feel like you are alone, like no one understands where you are at or how tough it is, or like no one is like you, will realize that there may be someone else who gets it. And if you feel brave enough, share in the comments some truths about you. Throw off the masks. Be yourself. And realize that the person you are, the one you hide, is amazing and someone I'd like to get to know.
Some truths about me:
- I can't stand the sound of people eating. I hate it. It drives me up the wall. There are times I have contemplated hitting people.
- I struggle with negative thought patterns, for example, even if everyone tells me I am doing a great job, I am sure they are lying to me.
- I am afraid of failure. Like really afraid. Sometimes I will do something right up to the final step and then not finish because I don't want to fail.
- Every single time I discipline my kids I have to take about 5 minutes in my head to decide if I made good choices or not.
- If I am going on a trip, I have to start packing my suitcase weeks in advance, and then I check it several times. And if I have tickets or important papers, I have a habit of checking to make sure they didn't grow legs and walk away. As in, I look in my wallet at least 5 times on the way to the airport.
- I can't parallel park. At all.
- I don't like dark chocolate, or coconut.
- I have a huge base of knowledge, I know a lot about a lot. I love learning. But sometimes I don't admit to knowing something because I am afraid I will sound like a know it all.
- Every time I speak in public I sweat, and my insides shake.
- I sometimes daydream about not having kids, and I sometimes get jealous of my friends who don't have kids yet, or only have one. And if I ever say that publicly I automatically feel compelled to add how much I love my children.
- I love Jesus. And because I love Jesus, I love others where they are at. I don't like it when people use Jesus as an excuse for not being friends with people.
- I am constantly writing books in my head. I just never write them down.
- I live in pain daily. I struggle with severe fatigue daily. But I will never admit to someone how bad any particular day.
- I can't stand it when other people try to limit me based on what they think I can handle.
- When I make people laugh, I'm not always sure what it is that made them laugh.
- I will fight to my death to stop abuse wherever I see it.
- Sometimes I go to the SPCA just to look. If it were up to me, I'd have a house full of animals.
- My dream has always been to open a group home for mentally challenged individuals, or a safe haven for children and if I had enough money I'd buy the property off of Ferry and do just that.
- My greatest desire is to be loved, but my definition of love doesn't always coincide with the girly definitions of love.