Bedtime

A Window

Buttons

Tonight I am going to blog about the "Mom" button.  If you have children, you have this button.  It's the one that when pressed brings out the any of the following feelings (or combination of feelings): grief, guilt, heartbreak, sadness, regret, anger, rage, burnout, passion, ire, weariness, exasperation, gall, anguish, rejection, etc, etc, etc.  Basically it causes you, as a mom, to question everything you have ever done as a parent and a person.

This button can be pushed by doctors, spouses, friends, acquaintances, relatives, teachers, your kids, the woman in the parking lot who gave you the stink-eye, the other mom on the field trip, a facebook "friend" - pretty much by any person you come into contact with.  And the effects can blindside us, and take us to a really dark place if we let it.

Here is the silver lining.  The fact that you have a "Mom" button, is usually what makes you a good mom.  It means you care enough to wonder if there is any truth to the issue at hand.  But it doesn't make it hurt any less.  It can take even the most secure parent and cause them to feel paranoid and to analyze the smallest details.

I want to tackle the spiritual side (in my case the Christian angle) of the "Mom" button.  Most of us take the skills and resources we have, and do the best we can.  Sure mistakes are made, but most of the time we are making the right choices for our kids.  So why is it that out of the blue someone says something and it makes us wonder if everything we are doing is wrong? It's because satan doesn't want you to think you are doing a good job.  The deciever wants to make you believe that you aren't good enough, or worthy enough to have kids.  The king of lies wants you to be angry and resentful.  He wants you to fall flat on your face and fail, and to do it all without ever crying out to God. 

It hit me like a ton of bricks tonight when dealing with a professional, who because she doesn't know how to help in a specific situation, offered a suggestion that hit my "Mom" button.  And even though logically I knew she was off base, and that what she was saying wasn't truth - I allowed erroneous anger and guilt seep in.  Even after I dealt with her and let her know she was not correct, I walked away holding onto it and needing reassurance that I wasn't blind to some grand reality.  Satan got me right where he wanted me, he pushed my biggest and most precious button.  But he didn't win.  As soon as I acknowledged that the emotions I was feeling weren't God's desire for me the negativity vanished.  The weight of failure lifted.

I don't know that tomorrow someone else won't make me feel that way again.  I can almost guarantee you that many things will occur over the course of my lifetime that will take me right back to that place of cynicism.  But I can try to be better at going back to my true source of reassurance and not allow the negativity.

And as a note to everyone - think long and hard before you assume you know everything.  Really examine the reasons behind the looks and "advice" you give parents.  And maybe instead of judging, or speaking a false truth, just admit you have no answers and tell the person you really wish you did.  Or, at the very least take a minute to realize that you have no idea what someone else is carrying with them, and that the way you treat the situation could be the straw that breaks the camels back.   And if nothing else, open your arms and give a hug.  It might be the only expression of love that person gets all day.

And if I have ever pushed your "Mom" button.  I'm sorry.  It wasn't fair to you.  I'm going to try my best to follow my own advice.

Puzzle

Have you ever taken a minute to just look at your Facebook newsfeed?  I mean REALLY look at it?  Did you ever in your life realize that there were so many perfect people, with perfect kids, and perfect husbands with perfect lives?  I don't mean that to come across as negative, even though it easily could be seen as such.  My point is that so many of us work so hard at an illusion.  Why?  Why are so many afraid to admit that sometimes life sucks? That sometimes things don't go as we planned?  That we aren't... perfect?

The need to fake perfection didn't start with Facebook. Remember Stepford Wives?  That was a satirical look at a harsh reality.  Every day we are inundated with images and stories that make sure we know that whatever life we are living isn't anywhere near what we could possible attain.  I was flipping through a Better Homes magazine the other day and it hit me that I wasn't enjoying it.  I was actually finding myself more annoyed with my own house and what it is vs. what it could be.  But society attempts to convince me that if I just move my couch to the window and paint my walls that I too can have the life the people in the picture do.  And it doesn't stop there.  As moms we are the worst offenders.  My kids aren't in all sorts of afterschool programs and sports.  The majority of thier socialization occurs in school and at church.  And that's ok.  But when I see how much other families do, the guilt starts to creep in. "Am I doing enough?". "Will they be well rounded?". "Am I destroying their chance of getting into college?".  And by the way... I don't like spending every minute with my kids... I like getting a break and taking time for myself! (GASP...Did you see what she wrote??).

With me, what you see is what you get.  My kids make mistakes, and they misbehave.  My husband is sometimes a jerk (and admittedly so am I).  My kitchen walls need to be painted big time.  I've convinced myself that the ring in the toilet bowl is decorative.  There is dust on my tv.  I'm pretty sure one of my animals is due for some sort of shot.  I can't tell you what everything in my fridge is.  I am not a good cook, or a baker.  I hate it when things are out of place, unless I put them there.  Me, my husband, my kids, my house... we are far from perfect.  Yet somehow, we manage.  And I am ok with that.    






 

Icicle

Have you ever really thought about how incredible an icicle is?  It starts as one drop of water and over time, if given the proper environment,  has the potential to grow and become something so amazing.  We usually aren't lucky enough to catch the moment that the icicle begins to form, but once it's here, it's hard to miss.

My husband and I have two children who are biologically ours.  Both were difficult pregnancies and after all was said and done my body just wasn't the right place to create life anymore.  This was a hard reality for me, because I believed in my heart that I was supposed to have another child.  I dealt with the grief over time, and things became clear again when my husband and I decided that we should be foster parents.  We had no plans to adopt.  We wanted to be a resource, to take care of children until their parents could get healthy enough to be parents.  We have had three foster children come through our home.  And we did our best to love and care for each one.  What we learned though, is that when you think you know what the plan is, that's when everything changes.

I have no idea what I was doing five years ago today.  It wasn't even a blip on my radar.  To me it was like any other ordinary (albeit typically chaotic) day.  I was completely oblivious to what was going on in another part of my county.  Yet, that single event would forever change my life.  Because today is the day my youngest child was born.

A lot of people don't understand how anyone could love a person that injures a child, that purposely injects themselves with drugs knowing that they are doing the same to the child they are carrying.  A lot of people don't understand how forgiveness could be granted to someone who, by putting themselves in danger also puts their child in danger.  But forgiveness and love came when I looked into the eyes of a 6 week old baby girl and realized that she was allowed to live.  Now some may believe that her birth mother should have done away with her like she had with the other pregnancies, and some focus on the heavy plate the little one carries, but I see something so much bigger ahead of her.  I see a little drop of water, that was allowed to form into something so beautiful.  And although there are cracks and bubbles, when the light shines the reflection is amazing.

Five years ago today I didn't see the starting of the icicle.  But five years ago today, there was a drop of water that was allowed to grow.  And for that, I am thankful.     

Fortune Cookie

Old Photo Booth Picture

I watched a really ridiculous movie tonight.  It's about these guys who end up in a hot tub that also happens to be a time machine.  I won't go into exactly what makes this movie something I won't watch again because that's not the point.  I will give the movie this much though, it got me thinking. 

If you had a chance to go back in time, would you change anything?  Or would you do exactly what you did so that everything in your life now would remain the same? 

I went through a lot growing up.  Some of it was really, really good, and some of it was really, really bad.  There are actually huge gaping holes in my memory - times that my brain has decided are better left forgotten.  Many of my memories are quite literally snapshots of times I am sure I must remember, but can't quite recollect.  That's not to say everything is a blur - because it's not.  There are definitely things I wish I could forget, and much that I am so thankful to be able to hold onto.  There are times that I think would be nice to go back and change... but I wouldn't.  Why?  Because it made me who I am today.

I have a saying I revert back to often.  God always makes good from bad.  And I can honestly say there isn't anything in my life that He hasn't used for glory.  I think about who I have crossed paths with.  People that were sure no one could understand where they were coming from.  People who were convinced that they weren't worth anything, and that hope was lost.  I think of my youngest... and the love I have for her birth parents.  I think about the trials my children will face.  I think of my friends.  And even though it sounds so contrary to what the world teaches, I find myself thankful that the hurts I endured made it possible for me to relate to them, for me to understand them, and for me to love them, and for me to understand the power of forgiveness.  I am thankful for the pain, because the pain made me real and helped me to understand that transparency is the only way I can live my life, if I am to live it fully. 

So no... If I could go back into time, and change things, I wouldn't.  I like whats been done with who I have become.

My Coccyx , My Coccyx, My Coccyx, My Lovely Lady Coccyx

Just what you always wanted to see...right?  Technically I took a screen shot of my xray tonight, so this counts towards the 365 project ;)

I got a call from the Dr.  She said the nurse who told me the other night that nothing is broken was right, but that my Coccyx is displaced.  It shouldn't turn in like it does in the picture.  Unfortunately there isn't much to do but wait for everything to heal.  There is a chance that my tailbone has always been detached, that I was born like this, and the trauma just aggravated it.  That's the route I am hoping for...

I am so fed up with my body right now.  I wish my connective tissues would do what they are supposed to do.  And it upsets me that my son inherited the same rheumatic stuff.  I don't want him to have to go through all the stuff I have.  But I guess it's like any other trait we hand down to our kids... we do the best with what we have and pray that they make it through intact.

And I really shouldn't complain.  I'm lucky to have the support system that I do, and I am thankful that I can turn to Jesus.  Things could always be worse.

Creative Kids

I am not a person that likes to sit.  I don't like to be told that I can't do anything, that I have no choice but to just let life happen around me.  I don't like not being able to fulfill obligations.  I don't like needing others.  A lot of it has to do with my desire to control everything around me.  Because, you know, if I can control everything around me then nothing can go wrong... right?  Um no. 

It's easy to blame everyone else for our own mistakes.  But the truth is, most of the time, we are our own worst enemy.  I fell on Sunday.  Did I slip on juice that one of the kids spilled? Yes.  But was it that child's fault that I fell? No.  That child told me that juice was spilled.  That child then tried desperately to clean it up on their own.  Unfortunately the cleaning created a bigger mess.  So, when I got downstairs to survey the damage, and I saw that what should have been a contained spill actually spanned from one side of the house to the other, I got mad.  I got so mad that I started rushing around.  And, as I stomped into the laundry room to angrily get a mop I slipped and fell.  I fell hard.  I hit my tailbone, my back, and my head.  I wasn't mad anymore.  I screamed and cried for help, and when the realization that I couldn't get up on my own hit, pride sunk in and I got worried that I would have to be taken to the ER in my ugly, yet comfortable robe and with hair that was bathed in apple juice.

That first day I was flat on the couch.  I wasn't angry anymore, but I definitely wasn't accepting of the predicament I was in.  Then the next day I got it in my head that I was going to be bigger then the injury and get myself to the Dr and be ready to take a road trip the next day.  Well, it didn't quite go down like that.  My pretty much new to me car died on the way to my appointment.  It had to be towed and has yet to be fixed.  At the end of the day, after majorly overdoing it, I found myself in big time pain.  Today was different though.  Today I accepted that in order to heal, I am going to have to give up on being everything to everyone, and everyone to myself.  I realized that it wasn't an attack from satan, but rather a gift from God.  It was my own human emotions that got me into this mess.  But it was God that got me out.  He took the bad and made it good.  How?  Because today I saw my kids in a way I haven't seen lately. 

It's so easy to get wrapped up in life, to get so bogged down with everything that we don't have the patience or the time to see what is right in front of us.  Afterall, every day there are things that need to be done, and individual needs make getting that stuff done more complicated!  But today, today I saw three kids who are a lot like me.  Today I realized that things don't always have to be as difficult as they feel, and that sometimes it's me who is expecting too much.  Today was a gift that I wouldn't have even noticed sitting there waiting to be unwrapped if it hadn't been for the fact that I was forced to stop.

Does this mean that tomorrow will be just as insightful? No.  Tomorrow may be a really crappy day.  But what I will bring into it, and into other days will hopefully change how I deal with it.

God always makes good out of bad if we are willing to let go.   And for that I am so thankful. 

DoctorTools

It's funny how a car can look to the casual observer as if there is nothing wrong with it.  There aren't any large dents or chips in the paint.  There may be a few slight blemishes but nothing that makes anyone question it's durability over the long haul.  When the owner complains of problems others don't quite understand why.  Everything looks fine.  But the driver knows different.  First the belts seem to wear quickly, they lose elasticity and won't stay in place.  Then the mechanism that holds the hood in place fails, and has to be replaced.  Eventually the car begins to fall apart from the inside out.  The owner takes the car in, the mechanic looks it over but is perplexed.  There really isn't any clear reason the car is having such problems.  A few different mechanics are called in, and they too see the issues, but can't really find a link that makes sense.  So, they call the owner and explain that they are going to do the best they can to take care of what's going on, but they can't guarantee that there won't be any more problems, or that what they fixed won't break again.  The owner leaves the shop frustrated and with nothing more then temporary fixes, and the knowledge that something else will eventually go wrong.

It's like that. 

On the Couch

Slipped on juice that had been spilled on the floor by one of the kids.  Landed flat on my back and injured my tailbone. It's going to be a couch day...

Hair Dye

Boots

I've spent most of my life dancing. When I was little it was ballet, when I got older I did the club scene. Dance has always been a part of who I am. I hear a good beat and suddenly I am transported and I can feel the familiar desire in my muscles. My soul craves it. For me, it's the ultimate form of expression. I miss it and intend to find it again.

Brick Wall

There is so much I want to say.  But sometimes it's more important that you make sure what you share is done with the right attitude.  And right now I don't have that.

Watching Tv

So, today was a snow day for my kids and husband.  If you don't know what that means, it means none of them had to do what they normally do every day because snow fell in accumulations that made it unsafe to get where they need to go.  The reason I didn't include myself in the list of people who got a snow day is because I didn't.  I am a stay at home mom.  There are no sick days, no vacation days, and no snow days.  My job is literally 24/7.  The breaks that I do get during the day (ie the afternoons the youngest has preschool) are used for Dr appointments, school appointments, grocery shopping, cleaning, and whatever else I need to do that is easier to do without kids.  My weekends require even more work because all three kids are at home.  And if you remember from reading other blogs, 2 of those kids have special needs (1 of the 2 requires constant supervision)

So when I go away for the day alone, or go out to eat with friends, or go away without my husband or kids, it's because I need it.  If I don't take care of myself, then I can't take care of my kids, or my husband.  And my husband is just as capable of taking care of our three kids as I am, and I am thankful he has the ability to do it.  He knows how important it is that I take time to get refreshed.  Because as they say... if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

*For the record, I know working moms work just as hard, and yes you need breaks too :)